I am overcome today with 5 years of memories and emotions. I dropped my little bear off to school today and his baby sister off to pre-school. Seriously, they were JUST born!! I remember it, I was there, and I am telling you it was not that long ago....definitely not long enough ago that I am ready to send them off to be molded by strangers (aka kind and loving teachers). I am plagued by the feeling that I didn't teach them enough, tell them enough, give them enough for them to be ready to go out into the world without me.
How can it be that I am already done with being the biggest influence in at least one of their lives?
From here on out, Max will hear what I say and judge it with the echoes of other voices in his head. He will hear his teacher and his peers and decide for himself who's advice he will listen to for each defining moment to come.
And that irritates me!! I am the one who carried him, nurtured him, grunted and groaned through 19 hours of labour and almost 5 years of child rearing. My voice should matter for longer.
I can hope, and I will, that my voice will echo louder then the others...at least for a little while longer. I can also hope, and I will, that my voice over the last 5 years sunk in there somewhere and that decisions that he makes on his own are made with the values and morals that we tried so hard to instill in him. He and his darling sister have already made me the proudest Mama to walk this earth and any other, but for tonight I am also sad. I missed him today, I'll miss him tomorrow and a tiny part of me hopes he is missing me too...at least a little.
3 comments:
Oh Leanne, My eyes are filled with tears! I can only imagine how I will feel when my babies go off to school, but I'm pretty sure I will be an emotional wreck! Your 5 years of raising him are going to stay with him forever! They are going to go with him all the way to having his own kids, and beyond! Max is such an amazing little boy, he's got a fantastic head on his shoulders and it's all because of you and Mark! The way you raise your children has always stuck with me. You are one of the mom's I look up to and compare myself to - because are are so bloody (annoyingly ;-) fantastic!!! Never never doubt yourself! Love you, you big blubbering fool!! :-p
~Kate W
Thanks Kate! You are so sweet :) Today was better, I went down to the room early to chat with his lovely teacher. One of those times I really wish Mark was around for though :(
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